I'm probably not even going to send this, so I don't know why I'm bothering to write this down. Maybe I just need to get everything off of my chest and hope that it makes me feel better and not worse. I can't possibly feel any worse.

I told you this already, before you left, but I don't resent you for going. It's MSF. I get it. I would never have asked you to stay because of me, and I would never want you to feel as if I was holding you back. This is a dream assignment for any surgeon, how could I expect you to say no? It would be unfair of me to hold that against you, so I don't.

This is dumb. I don't really know what I'm trying to accomplish in getting my thoughts down. Maybe it's just that, so that I don't have to keep everything bottled up inside and rehash things over and over again on my couch, in the dark, with a pint of ice cream or a bottle of whiskey that doesn't even do anything for me anymore because of this whole...thing. I don't want you to feel guilty for leaving. I guess I just....I don't know. We weren't perfect. I demanded more attention than you could give, and there just weren't enough hours in your day for that. But that wasn't your fault and I decided that it was okay, that I could live with that. Even though we weren't together for very long...I don't know. I'm having trouble finding my footing without you here. You made my life so much brighter. Maybe that says more about me than anything else. But I'll be okay in the end. I always am.

This is really dumb and I really hate this.

I'm happy that you were given the opportunity to do something you love and to help people who are far less fortunate. I have no doubt that you'll come back both a better surgeon and a person. Please stay safe, take care, and do good.